A Reflection into the mind of an anxiety sufferer…
What do I mean by that, exactly ? As anyone that suffers with anxiety knows your head will fill up with negative exaggerated thoughts and if you work at a job where you are doing a tedious task it can be very challenging to overcome those thoughts. I used to bring my tablet to work with me and listen to podcasts while I worked, those unfortunately became a huge distraction and I was prone to making errors. I would also find myself checking things on my tablet whenever somebody mentioned something or I heard about something. So I stopped bringing that to work and for the most part I improved in this new position.
As a change I started jotting my ideas, drawings, poetry, negative thoughts, things I wanted to google on post it notes to check after my shift has ended. These have been working for me to an extent. But again if I am stuck doing only one kind of task (I need variety to get through my day, hence why a career change is in desperate order) then my head will start to go down a downward spiral.
I choose not to be medicated, I’ve gone that route only to have unnecessary added stress put on me because the meds messed with my ability to ejaculate, which in turn made me even more miserable and less of a man. It’s bad enough being obese and almost 50 with a lacking libido as it is to then add that mess on top.
So I find creative ways to deal with my anxiety along with seeing a therapist once a month. I started to spiral this week because I trusted the wrong person with information (My sexuality) that they’ve used to create turmoil with a fellow employee at my expense. This so called “friend” also repeatedly asks me to hang out then at the last minute tells me that Saturdays are sacred because it’s the only time he sees his wife. That’s fine but hold yourself to that.
For the first time in 20 years the technicians were offered an opportunity to attend the ALA Conference in Philly from Sat-Mon, most people went Saturday, including Mr. Sacred Saturday. That unnerved me and I stated to him the Friday before “You still going to ALA ?” His reply “What are you doing keeping tabs on me ?” Yes I was and you’re full of shit (I didn’t say this but I could sense he felt it and he stopped talking to me for two weeks).
It’s like that where I work. A kindergarten class of people from 25-70 yrs old.
I realize you can have drama at any job but it’s really toxic at times. I sometimes wonder how I stuck it out for 20 years ? I am a bit of a masochist, so I suppose that could be it.
I brought the latest cat painting to work to show some people. The first person I showed said it was really good and then stated this bombshell “You never decided to per sue the arts ?” I’ve been pursuing the arts for over 30 years, I’ve just never had the balls to make it my “career” as opposed to an over-glorified hobby.
I still regret to this day not hopping a plane to Chicago to take the next placement test for the Assistant Directors Training Program (East Coast Division). I passed the initial test with flying colors and could’ve had an opportunity to become a administrative producer on a feature film or TV show.
Had I sought help for my anxiety in my 20’s my life path may have taken a different course.
On a brighter note, staying with this job I met the woman who would become my wife, my rock. She puts all this shit endured in a better perspective. So after this dude said this I jotted down jobs I liked and disliked over 30 plus years of working and really took being a creative professional to heart. That’s why being appointed Arts Editor by Pete Mosey on The Finest Example meant a great deal to me. Recognition of sorts.
Well seeing my therapist today and talking and writing this post has cleared my head into thinking into a better future. Plus 2020 will be the year I return to actual offline exhibiting.
On a lighter note, I have a 365 Day Cat Calendar and this guy below from yesterday was the epitome of how I felt on the inside that he is showing on his face on the outside.